1 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,137 Thirty seconds and counting. 2 00:00:13,221 --> 00:00:15,014 Power transfer is complete. 3 00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,559 We're on internal power with the launch vehicle at this time. 4 00:00:18,643 --> 00:00:20,769 T minus 20 seconds and counting. 5 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,022 All the second-stage tanks now pressurised. 6 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,858 T minus 15 seconds. Guidance is internal. 7 00:00:26,484 --> 00:00:29,695 Twelve, eleven, ten, 9... 8 00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,989 Ignition sequence starts. 9 00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:37,536 Six, five, four, three, two, one, 10 00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:40,372 zero. All engines running. 11 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,292 Lift off! We have a lift off. 12 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,544 And so in 1972, 13 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:49,506 the Atlas Centaur rocket blasted off from our planet, 14 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,135 a four-stage rocket that launched a probe 15 00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,220 way out into the blackness of space. 16 00:00:55,722 --> 00:00:58,015 The probe would use the energy from the sun 17 00:00:58,099 --> 00:01:01,185 and the gravitational pull of our neighbouring planets 18 00:01:01,269 --> 00:01:02,770 to cross our solar system. 19 00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:05,230 That momentum would then carry it on 20 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,691 into the farthest reaches of the universe. 21 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:12,404 The mission, to find intelligent life similar to ours 22 00:01:13,156 --> 00:01:15,115 out there in deep space. 23 00:01:16,117 --> 00:01:19,036 The probe carried a tablet which had inscribed on it 24 00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:21,622 the image of us humans, a man and a woman, 25 00:01:21,706 --> 00:01:23,415 and a map to locate us in the universe. 26 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:28,837 Stage four disconnects and our probe is fired on its long journey. 27 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:31,548 The woeld wished it bon voyage 28 00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:34,760 and may it find a friend out there 29 00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:36,512 in deep space. 30 00:03:13,359 --> 00:03:16,612 Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 31 00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:19,781 Hey! Thank you very much. Thank you. 32 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:21,491 Thank you, nice to see you. 33 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:32,169 Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. 34 00:03:32,253 --> 00:03:34,755 When I interviewed Neil Clarke for The Book Programme, 35 00:03:34,839 --> 00:03:36,381 I knew he was extraordinary. 36 00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:40,260 Now, with the publication of his brilliant novel, 37 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,221 reviewers agree he's joined the ranks 38 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:44,014 of Britain's immortals. 39 00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,557 Ladies and gentlemen, Neil Clarke. 40 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,817 So I suppose I wanted to start off by asking you 41 00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,780 how did you manage such amazing insight into the soul of modern man 42 00:03:59,864 --> 00:04:02,532 and how do you know what men and women really want, 43 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:07,037 just really the whole relationship between humanity and the cosmos? 44 00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:10,249 Yeah, well, I think I probably achieved that 45 00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:13,001 by looking into my own soul, Catherine. 46 00:04:13,836 --> 00:04:15,796 I studied its flaws, 47 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,382 its potential, its urgent needs. 48 00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:19,800 I listened to its cries for help... 49 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:26,181 ...and its yelps of anguish and, I... 50 00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:29,226 I spent five long years 51 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:33,981 in a book which I hoped would throw open the doors of human perception 52 00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:37,901 and allow us to be engulfed in a sense of our own futility. 53 00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,112 Sorry about this, it's... 54 00:04:43,533 --> 00:04:45,534 Get off! Down! 55 00:04:53,334 --> 00:04:54,876 Oh, God. 56 00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,214 Go watch TV. 57 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,134 Your dog is barking. 58 00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,428 My dog was barking because you rang the doorbell. 59 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:08,265 I rang the doorbell because your dog was barking. 60 00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:10,600 Your lease says no pets. 61 00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,894 Well, he is a guide dog. 62 00:05:14,272 --> 00:05:15,397 You're not blind. 63 00:05:15,481 --> 00:05:18,025 I prefer the term "optically challenged". 64 00:05:19,193 --> 00:05:22,029 You're not optically challenged, either. 65 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,239 Fiona, you live, like, three floors up. I mean, I don't... 66 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,826 If you don't control your bloody dog, 67 00:05:27,910 --> 00:05:31,288 I am going to get it sent to Battersea Dogs Home. Right? 68 00:05:32,081 --> 00:05:33,373 - All right. 69 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,544 Come on, Dennis, let's go and evacuate your bowels. 70 00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:41,256 Come on, Dennis. 71 00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:48,764 Come on. 72 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,182 - Hi, Neil. - Hi, Catherine. 73 00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,643 Hey, it's funny, I was just dreaming about you. 74 00:05:55,229 --> 00:05:56,355 Really? 75 00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,648 Yeah, you were presenting me with an award for my novel. 76 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,192 Oh, did you deserve it? 77 00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,611 Well, I was proud but humble. 78 00:06:03,404 --> 00:06:05,322 Have you finished it, actually, in real life? 79 00:06:06,032 --> 00:06:08,075 Absolutely, almost, yeah. 80 00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:10,494 Cos last spring you were on chapter... 81 00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:12,871 Yeah, I've renumbered them. In fact, I've removed them. 82 00:06:12,955 --> 00:06:14,039 - Oh. - Yeah. 83 00:06:14,123 --> 00:06:16,625 I find the whole concept of chapters just gets in the way so... 84 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,628 Yeah. Yeah, no, I can see that. 85 00:06:20,505 --> 00:06:23,632 I want reading it to be like being sucked into a giant vortex, you know. 86 00:06:24,509 --> 00:06:27,427 - Like going on Facebook. - Like Facebook, yeah. 87 00:06:28,346 --> 00:06:30,806 That's a good one. 88 00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,810 "Like being sucked into a giant vortex. " 89 00:06:34,894 --> 00:06:38,522 Dennis, why do you let me say things like this, hey? 90 00:06:39,690 --> 00:06:40,816 Come on. 91 00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,874 - Come on, Ray. It's only 20 quid. - No, I can't, Neil. 92 00:08:20,958 --> 00:08:22,167 - Yeah, but it can't lose. - No. 93 00:08:22,668 --> 00:08:24,961 Look, I guarantee you a 50% return on your money 94 00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,379 before the end of classes today. 95 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:32,093 So when do you make your move on Miss Booker Prize downstairs, then? 96 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:36,348 Oh, I don't. Turns out she's a bit literal-minded, no foresight. 97 00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,975 Whereas me, I can see for miles into the future. 98 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,520 A man needs a woman, Neil. 99 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,272 - I've got Dennis. - Dennis is male. 100 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:46,024 And he's a dog, in case you hadn't noticed. 101 00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:51,238 Yeah, well, I don't want to complicate my life. 102 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:52,572 This is a tenner! 103 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:55,825 Walk! 104 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:19,724 Accessing representative images of earthlings. 105 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:42,122 Communication will be carried on in the language of the species to be judged. 106 00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:45,834 I'm sorry, I'm not understanding. 107 00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,840 - Is that better, Kylie? - Understanding you now, Sharon. 108 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:56,511 By the power invested in me by the Intergalactic Council of Superior Species, 109 00:09:56,596 --> 00:10:00,599 I hereby pronounce a destruction order on the planet Earth. 110 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:04,894 With great respect, Sharon, we should not pronounce a destruction order 111 00:10:05,187 --> 00:10:08,523 before we've given these earthlings a chance to prove themselves. 112 00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:11,484 They've penetrated intergalactic space. 113 00:10:11,569 --> 00:10:12,652 Maureen is right. 114 00:10:13,070 --> 00:10:15,989 They're clearly not a superior species. 115 00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,326 Look at the way they copulate. 116 00:10:19,952 --> 00:10:22,287 If these earthlings 117 00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:26,416 can convince us that they are superior beings, then they may join our society. 118 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:28,418 If they cannot, we must eliminate them, 119 00:10:28,502 --> 00:10:32,088 for the moral well-being of the entire Intergalactic Community. 120 00:10:32,173 --> 00:10:34,090 Thank you for explaining it to me, Sharon. 121 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:35,300 Not at all, Miss Barker. 122 00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,805 No, Grant, I don't want to talk to you. 123 00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,724 No, I don't want to see you, either. 124 00:10:42,808 --> 00:10:45,101 We had a great time last summer but it's over. 125 00:10:45,353 --> 00:10:47,937 What part of over do you not understand? 126 00:10:48,022 --> 00:10:49,689 Thank you for calling. Goodbye. 127 00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,943 These questions of yours make it sound as if I thought 128 00:10:54,111 --> 00:10:56,404 this bloody author can string two words together. 129 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,074 But he can. It's a wonderful book. 130 00:10:59,158 --> 00:11:02,118 Darling, didn't you read the memo? We're doing a demolition job. 131 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:05,830 But it's the best thing he's ever written. Everyone says so. 132 00:11:05,915 --> 00:11:08,333 That's why we have to pee on it from a great height. 133 00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:13,421 I want ten new questions, please, before noon. 134 00:11:18,969 --> 00:11:22,263 Don't you know? She never reads the books. She hates books. 135 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,350 Why is she presenting a book programme, then? 136 00:11:25,434 --> 00:11:26,976 I spy trouble. Just... 137 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:33,149 Look, Catherine, you may despise her ego, 138 00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,735 but that's what people tune in to see. 139 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:38,822 Not books, not authors, God forbid, 140 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,909 but Fenella's rampant, pulsating, sexually arousing ego. 141 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:46,454 No, I think people watch because it's a book programme and they love books. 142 00:11:47,581 --> 00:11:49,165 Books are finished. 143 00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:52,711 Ourjob is to provide scandal, gossip and character assassination, 144 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,338 with a thin veneer of literary respectability. 145 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,382 Oh, so we're not just selling out, then? We've sold out? 146 00:11:57,466 --> 00:11:58,508 Exactly. 147 00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:02,470 For God's sake, smile. 148 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,079 It's enough to make you weep, isn't it? 149 00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:30,498 What? 150 00:12:31,917 --> 00:12:34,627 The price of pickles. Don't even look at the marinated herring. 151 00:12:34,712 --> 00:12:36,254 Honestly, you'd be suicidal. 152 00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:39,549 I didn't want them, anyway. 153 00:12:45,973 --> 00:12:47,056 Thanks. 154 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:51,102 I also offer support and counselling on dips, dried fruit and pasta sauces. 155 00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:56,316 She's gone. 156 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,449 - The usual test, Sharon? - The usual test, Kylie. 157 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,494 One earthling will be chosen randomly, 158 00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:11,080 as defined by the Intergalactic Manual of Good and Evil. 159 00:13:11,415 --> 00:13:12,999 Page 56, paragraph B. 160 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:16,544 Page 56, paragraph D. 161 00:13:17,379 --> 00:13:19,005 Right. 162 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:24,219 To prove that they understand the difference between good and evil. 163 00:13:24,595 --> 00:13:26,304 How will they prove it? 164 00:13:26,388 --> 00:13:29,516 They will be given the power that all superior beings have. 165 00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:33,561 The earthling will be capable of doing absolutely anything. 166 00:13:34,104 --> 00:13:36,439 What if he uses his power for evil? 167 00:13:37,024 --> 00:13:39,692 The Earth will be eliminated. 168 00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:41,319 But if he uses it for good? 169 00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:44,239 Then we welcome them to the Intergalactic Community. 170 00:13:44,323 --> 00:13:45,573 Are we ready, gentlemen? 171 00:13:46,408 --> 00:13:49,118 Commencing random selection of earthlings. 172 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:54,415 Processing... 173 00:13:55,417 --> 00:13:56,626 Earthling. 174 00:13:57,211 --> 00:13:58,419 Jolly good! 175 00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:00,088 Wait! 176 00:14:00,172 --> 00:14:01,381 Selected. 177 00:14:04,552 --> 00:14:08,763 The earthling has ten days to prove he can use absolute power for good 178 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:11,015 rather than for evil. 179 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:22,277 God. 180 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:31,953 Fuck you! 181 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:47,302 All they want me to do is help them sneer at people who write wonderful books. 182 00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:50,722 Well, my producerjust wants me to dig up dirt on Amenhotep llI. 183 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,183 I keep telling them he had a kind nature 184 00:14:54,268 --> 00:14:55,393 and lovely hands. 185 00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,480 I would have loved to spend an evening with Amenhotep llI. 186 00:14:59,565 --> 00:15:02,984 Yeah, except he's been dead 4,000 years, Rosie, 187 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,737 and he'd spend all day long talking about embalming. 188 00:15:05,821 --> 00:15:07,822 Well, find me a good one that's still breathing. 189 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,824 Tell me about it. 190 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,367 What about Grant? 191 00:15:11,452 --> 00:15:14,871 Oh, well, Colonel Grant turned out to have issues. 192 00:15:14,955 --> 00:15:17,749 - Issues? - Yeah, like being clinically insane. 193 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:19,584 Shame. 194 00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:21,169 Maybe that's overstating it. 195 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:25,298 Just obsessive, possessive and pathologically jealous. 196 00:15:27,092 --> 00:15:28,217 What about him upstairs? 197 00:15:29,094 --> 00:15:31,262 Oh, he tried to cheer me up in the supermarket. 198 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,972 Oh, so he's gay? 199 00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,182 What? 200 00:15:34,892 --> 00:15:38,144 Well, he's sympathetic, interested, available. 201 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:42,607 - That's the way life works. - No, he's not gay. 202 00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:46,152 He's... very likeable. 203 00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:12,011 Mr Clarke. 204 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,181 Hi. 205 00:16:15,432 --> 00:16:18,101 This is the twelfth time you've been late this month, Mr Clarke. 206 00:16:18,185 --> 00:16:19,644 Yeah, I got knocked off my bike. 207 00:16:19,728 --> 00:16:24,190 Yesterday you had food poisoning. Friday you thought it was Saturday. 208 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:27,235 Monday you forgot to put your clock forward. 209 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:28,361 Oh, everybody does that. 210 00:16:28,529 --> 00:16:32,490 Week last Wednesday it seems you had an appointment with the Dalai Lama. 211 00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:34,117 Yeah, I showed you the picture. 212 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,662 That had Michael Jackson in it as well. 213 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:39,664 Well, he's a great man. 214 00:16:40,290 --> 00:16:43,001 Great enough to appear in photographs when he's dead. 215 00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:47,338 You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible, 216 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:50,383 you are idle and you are feckless. 217 00:16:50,884 --> 00:16:52,010 Feckless? 218 00:16:52,594 --> 00:16:54,554 Yes, you are without feck. 219 00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,434 If I could replace you, I would. 220 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,355 Yeah, well, so would I. 221 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:07,358 I just don't have anybody to replace me with. 222 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,508 You a big skier? 223 00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,177 Well, I've had my moments. 224 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,346 Hello, gorgeous. 225 00:17:37,514 --> 00:17:41,059 How about cocktails for two this evening? Go halves? 226 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:43,311 Drop dead, Ray. 227 00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:46,397 All right. Think about it and get back to me. 228 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:50,568 Knob. 229 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:52,653 - Neil? - Yeah. 230 00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,781 If you could do anything, what would you do? 231 00:17:54,865 --> 00:17:59,202 Hello, Neil, love. Tinned mouse or fricassee of war victim? 232 00:17:59,286 --> 00:18:01,704 I will have the roast headmaster, please, Mrs B. 233 00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:03,122 You are a one. 234 00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:06,626 - There you go. - Thank you. 235 00:18:06,710 --> 00:18:10,463 I'll have the casserole, please, Mrs B. 236 00:18:13,550 --> 00:18:16,928 You'll enjoy that, Mr Ray. As long as you don't eat it. 237 00:18:22,726 --> 00:18:25,686 No, I mean, if you could make anything you want happen, 238 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:27,188 what would it be? 239 00:18:27,272 --> 00:18:30,233 I would make Dennis regurgitate my notes from chapter three. 240 00:18:35,989 --> 00:18:37,740 If you could make something impossible happen. 241 00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:39,659 Intact. 242 00:18:43,997 --> 00:18:46,999 What if you could make someone worship the ground you walked on? 243 00:18:47,292 --> 00:18:49,961 What, even if she thought you were a little shit? 244 00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:51,129 Come on, Ray. 245 00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:53,548 That would be taking an unfair advantage of an innocent girl. 246 00:18:54,133 --> 00:18:57,343 OK, but suppose there was one thing you could do 247 00:18:57,427 --> 00:18:59,137 that would change your life for the better? 248 00:18:59,513 --> 00:19:01,973 Oh, that's easy. I would make alien spaceships destroy 1 OC. 249 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:10,523 That sounded like it was in the school. 250 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:15,736 Out of the way! Out of the way! 251 00:19:15,821 --> 00:19:17,363 Stand back, stand back. Stand back, stand back. 252 00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:18,656 Now, just stay calm. 253 00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:25,163 Oh, my God! 254 00:19:29,418 --> 00:19:30,585 Who was that? 255 00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:35,756 It was the Salubrious Gat of Galaxy G946 WOT. 256 00:19:38,260 --> 00:19:39,844 Gat, what do you think you're doing? 257 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,429 Just practising, Sharon. 258 00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:46,184 We haven't done the judicial review yet. We may not want to destroy this species. 259 00:19:46,685 --> 00:19:47,894 Who are you kidding? 260 00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:53,649 445,349,722 new alien species encountered. 261 00:19:54,109 --> 00:19:55,401 Number granted membership 262 00:19:55,485 --> 00:19:58,279 of the Intergalactic Community of Superior Beings? 263 00:19:58,614 --> 00:19:59,697 Zero. 264 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,490 We have high standards. 265 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:03,117 You know you're going to wipe them out. 266 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:05,161 It all depends on the earthling. 267 00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:09,665 And signs ofa recovery seem as far away as ever. 268 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:17,965 Hey. 269 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,133 Hello, Dennis. 270 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:22,845 Oh, Dennis. Couldn't you have waited? 271 00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,099 We can now go live to our reporter Brenda Emmanus 272 00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,768 at the scene of the incident. 273 00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,021 It was here at Kinbrook Comprehensive School 274 00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:35,399 that an explosion killed 38 pupils. 275 00:20:35,943 --> 00:20:39,528 A police spokesman said they could not rule out a terrorist attack 276 00:20:39,613 --> 00:20:41,322 but say there were no connections with reports 277 00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:44,283 of a UFO sighting in the area. 278 00:20:44,368 --> 00:20:45,785 The head teacher, Mr Robert... 279 00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:52,458 Oh, sure, Dennis, it was an alien spaceship. 280 00:20:53,835 --> 00:20:55,836 What are you talking about? 281 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:58,047 If I could make an alien spaceship destroy 1 OC, 282 00:20:58,131 --> 00:21:00,508 then I wouldn't be farting around with this, would I? 283 00:21:00,550 --> 00:21:01,926 I'd just say, 284 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:03,636 "Dog mess, clean yourself up. " 285 00:21:07,182 --> 00:21:08,599 See? 286 00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:43,467 It's just shock. 287 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:47,096 It's just post-hallucination shock. That's all it is. 288 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:54,854 I mean, it couldn't have been an alien spaceship, Dennis, could it? 289 00:21:54,938 --> 00:21:58,149 I mean, it just, I mean, it couldn't have. 290 00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:00,651 Oh, my God. 291 00:22:07,200 --> 00:22:08,409 That's my notes. 292 00:22:09,619 --> 00:22:12,079 Damn it! 293 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:22,173 Whisky, go back in the bottle. 294 00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:27,470 See? You see? There's nothing. It's nothing. 295 00:22:28,180 --> 00:22:29,972 There was nothing. It's nothing. 296 00:22:30,057 --> 00:22:31,515 Whisky, go back in the bottle. 297 00:22:38,732 --> 00:22:39,899 Oh, my God. 298 00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:43,319 I have to wave my hand. 299 00:22:54,247 --> 00:22:58,584 Whisky, exchange yourself for another bottle, a single malt. 300 00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:02,838 Hey, come back! 301 00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:25,319 Door, open quick. 302 00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:28,406 Not that quick. 303 00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:32,451 I didn't mean go back to the shop to get exchanged! 304 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:39,667 It's closed. 305 00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:44,130 Oh, shit. 306 00:23:50,178 --> 00:23:53,264 - Gotcha! - Help me, Dennis! 307 00:23:53,348 --> 00:23:54,640 - Priority. - Help me! 308 00:24:06,403 --> 00:24:09,113 Shh, Dennis, be quiet. 309 00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:11,532 Oh, shit. 310 00:24:18,498 --> 00:24:20,374 All right, laddie. You're nicked. 311 00:24:24,754 --> 00:24:26,505 Me be at home having dinner with Dennis. 312 00:24:32,637 --> 00:24:34,889 Oh, yuck! Chumzy! 313 00:24:37,893 --> 00:24:41,479 You say one word about this, Constable, you'll be on community relations. 314 00:24:48,278 --> 00:24:49,904 Oh, my God. 1 OC! 315 00:24:58,914 --> 00:25:01,081 Let everyone who died be alive again. 316 00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:31,111 Oh, God. 317 00:25:32,864 --> 00:25:36,492 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. No, I meant everybody in 1 OC be alive again! 318 00:25:37,327 --> 00:25:40,329 Obviously. Not everyone who's died ever. Are you crazy? 319 00:25:45,794 --> 00:25:46,961 Shit. Shit. 320 00:25:47,045 --> 00:25:49,630 And everybody who died in the bomb blast that is alive again, 321 00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:50,965 be completely uninjured. 322 00:25:51,716 --> 00:25:53,050 Oh, shit, shit, shit! 323 00:25:53,301 --> 00:25:56,554 OK, me feel better. 324 00:25:57,013 --> 00:25:58,180 Oh, that's better. 325 00:25:58,473 --> 00:26:01,141 Me have a really good idea about what to do next. 326 00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:02,393 Oh, that's a good idea. 327 00:26:02,519 --> 00:26:05,062 Let the explosion never have happened. 328 00:26:05,146 --> 00:26:08,148 No, I mean, if you could make anything you wanted happen, 329 00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:11,026 what would it be? 330 00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:12,236 I'm sorry, what? 331 00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,697 If you could do anything, what would you do? 332 00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:19,243 That's very weird. I think I just dreamt that I could. 333 00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:20,369 What? 334 00:26:20,537 --> 00:26:23,330 Do anything. I dreamt that I could just wave my hand and say such-and-such 335 00:26:23,373 --> 00:26:24,498 and it would happen. 336 00:26:24,833 --> 00:26:25,916 So what did you do? 337 00:26:26,001 --> 00:26:27,835 I made alien spaceships destroy 1 OC. 338 00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:29,086 Good thinking. 339 00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:33,048 I would make Dorothy Pringle worship the ground I walked on. 340 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:36,176 You wouldn't be so cruel. 341 00:26:40,682 --> 00:26:42,975 Hello and welcome to Book News, 342 00:26:43,018 --> 00:26:45,936 the show where you get to know what books are coming to you 343 00:26:46,021 --> 00:26:47,855 and authors get what's coming to them. 344 00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,859 What's the truth under publishers' blurbs? 345 00:26:51,901 --> 00:26:55,863 Why do writers' photographs always show them looking ten years younger? 346 00:26:55,905 --> 00:26:58,532 You've come to the right place to find out. 347 00:26:58,617 --> 00:27:01,452 Our first guest tonight is Mortimer Stanley, 348 00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:05,873 whose latest novel is entitled What You See With Your Eyes Open. 349 00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:10,210 Mortimer, your last novel was published nearly ten years ago. 350 00:27:10,253 --> 00:27:14,548 It got what they call "mixed reviews" and sold fewer than 3,000 copies. 351 00:27:15,383 --> 00:27:17,718 What possessed you to write another one? 352 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:19,720 Well, my wife was dying. 353 00:27:20,138 --> 00:27:21,639 You were estranged, weren't you? 354 00:27:21,723 --> 00:27:25,768 Well, yes, but on her deathbed, she urged me to write another book. 355 00:27:25,894 --> 00:27:27,394 Knowing that she would never have to read it? 356 00:27:27,437 --> 00:27:28,479 Well... 357 00:27:29,272 --> 00:27:32,399 Fenella's complaining that you didn't tell her about his shoplifting conviction. 358 00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:35,903 Well, he was 14, James. It's got nothing to do with his book. 359 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:37,738 Well, neither has the show, Cath. 360 00:27:37,822 --> 00:27:41,075 Listen, what upsets Fenella about you is your integrity. 361 00:27:41,993 --> 00:27:43,952 But me, I quite like it. 362 00:27:45,622 --> 00:27:48,582 Play your cards right, you could get your own office 363 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:50,084 with a bigger desk and a view. 364 00:27:57,676 --> 00:27:59,593 Sorry. Excuse me one second. 365 00:28:00,929 --> 00:28:02,513 Mind you, you've gotta play your cards right. 366 00:28:03,807 --> 00:28:05,182 What the hell are you doing here? 367 00:28:05,266 --> 00:28:07,601 - Don't I get a kiss? - Please go away. 368 00:28:07,936 --> 00:28:09,311 That wouldn't be fair to you, Cath. 369 00:28:09,437 --> 00:28:13,148 This is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know the real me. 370 00:28:13,274 --> 00:28:14,858 Well... I'm calling security. 371 00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:17,444 No, not just the charming, high-flying military strategist. 372 00:28:17,529 --> 00:28:19,446 Hello, security? 373 00:28:19,531 --> 00:28:21,323 Not the inventor of extreme rendition, either. 374 00:28:21,449 --> 00:28:23,492 Yes, I've got an intruder in room 405. 375 00:28:23,618 --> 00:28:27,496 Or the mastermind behind warrantless domestic surveillance. 376 00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:31,458 Just a humble officer who adores you. 377 00:28:33,712 --> 00:28:36,630 OK, Grant, I appreciate that you like me... 378 00:28:36,798 --> 00:28:40,884 Like? Like? What do you think, I'm one of these cardboard cut-outs? 379 00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:45,180 Like? No. No, no, no. Adulate. Worship. 380 00:28:46,516 --> 00:28:48,851 OK, well, I don't adulate or worship you. 381 00:28:49,310 --> 00:28:50,728 I don't even really like you. 382 00:28:50,979 --> 00:28:53,731 So that's why I'm asking you to just go away and leave me alone. 383 00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:58,360 - So there's some hope? - No, no, no. There's no hope. 384 00:28:58,987 --> 00:29:01,655 Cath, I came all the way to England to see you. 385 00:29:01,740 --> 00:29:03,532 Doesn't that show you how much I care about you? 386 00:29:03,658 --> 00:29:07,161 No, it shows me that you're obsessed. Obsession's not a quality that I admire. 387 00:29:07,245 --> 00:29:08,495 Really? 388 00:29:09,247 --> 00:29:11,331 I think the lady wants you to go, Colonel. 389 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:16,211 You work for the BBC, don't you? 390 00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:18,213 I do. 391 00:29:20,383 --> 00:29:24,219 You know who ultimately controls the British Broadcasting Corporation? 392 00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,349 A little guy that used to work down the hall from me 393 00:29:29,392 --> 00:29:31,393 at Fort Bragg, North Carolina. 394 00:29:31,936 --> 00:29:34,021 And he did it in his spare time. 395 00:29:37,942 --> 00:29:40,778 I'll catch you later, honey. 396 00:29:47,035 --> 00:29:51,371 It was a party. I was doing a documentary. I was drunk. 397 00:29:51,915 --> 00:29:53,248 Judging me. 398 00:30:02,550 --> 00:30:04,051 Oh, God. 399 00:30:15,063 --> 00:30:19,483 Let 1 OC become a model class, kind and considerate. 400 00:30:19,567 --> 00:30:20,818 Oh, and eager to learn. 401 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:35,582 - Good afternoon, 1 OC. - Good afternoon, Mr Clarke. 402 00:30:37,919 --> 00:30:41,338 Could you all turn to page 73, please, and read the entire chapter? 403 00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:43,465 - What, the whole chapter? - Yes. 404 00:30:43,591 --> 00:30:45,968 - Oh, good. - How exciting! 405 00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:47,845 He's letting us read the whole chapter! 406 00:30:48,179 --> 00:30:50,514 - Great. - Well, you get on with it, then. 407 00:31:14,622 --> 00:31:17,374 Let the headmaster be nice to me for a change. 408 00:31:19,127 --> 00:31:21,670 And what you did with the guitar quite beggars belief. 409 00:31:21,796 --> 00:31:23,422 That is not how Kumbaya goes. 410 00:31:23,464 --> 00:31:25,883 Neil. So good to see you! 411 00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:29,011 I love what you're wearing. It really does, it's just a great ensemble. 412 00:31:29,220 --> 00:31:30,971 So similar to what you were wearing before. 413 00:31:31,014 --> 00:31:34,141 But your laissez-faire attitude to work is a great counterpoint 414 00:31:34,183 --> 00:31:35,809 to my by-the-book approach. 415 00:31:35,894 --> 00:31:37,060 Great having you on the staff, Neil. 416 00:31:37,353 --> 00:31:39,313 - Thank you. - Right. 417 00:31:39,355 --> 00:31:40,397 Yeah! 418 00:31:40,815 --> 00:31:43,984 He must love you an awful lot to fly across the Atlantic. 419 00:31:44,068 --> 00:31:46,320 No, he just can't bear losing anything. 420 00:31:46,863 --> 00:31:49,823 As far as Grant's concerned, I'm just a piece of lost property 421 00:31:49,991 --> 00:31:52,993 he wants to retrieve and put back on his mantelpiece. 422 00:31:53,077 --> 00:31:55,329 He was really scary. Crazy. 423 00:31:56,664 --> 00:31:59,166 I had a boyfriend like that once. 424 00:31:59,208 --> 00:32:00,918 The sort who wouldn't take no for an answer. 425 00:32:01,002 --> 00:32:02,502 Did you? What happened? 426 00:32:02,587 --> 00:32:04,171 I married him. 427 00:32:05,340 --> 00:32:09,009 Mr Eriksson, you know the romance languages, French, Italian... 428 00:32:09,093 --> 00:32:10,844 Yes, Miss Pringle, I teach them. 429 00:32:11,179 --> 00:32:12,846 Well, I was wondering how they got their name? 430 00:32:13,097 --> 00:32:16,516 - It's to do with Rome, ancient Rome. - It's from the Latin. 431 00:32:18,186 --> 00:32:20,854 So it's just a coincidence that they sound so romantic? 432 00:32:20,939 --> 00:32:23,565 Actually, I'm thinking of switching to economics. 433 00:32:23,858 --> 00:32:25,233 Oh. 434 00:32:25,526 --> 00:32:27,027 He is... 435 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:34,284 Let Miss Pringle worship Ray. 436 00:32:37,038 --> 00:32:38,789 Ray. 437 00:32:53,137 --> 00:32:55,097 I can do abso-fucking-lutely anything. 438 00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:07,943 Yeah. 439 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:12,072 Me be President of the United States. 440 00:33:18,913 --> 00:33:20,080 That's funny. 441 00:33:20,498 --> 00:33:21,999 Me be President of the United States. 442 00:33:23,001 --> 00:33:24,584 - Thank God we found you, sir. - Sorry? 443 00:33:24,669 --> 00:33:26,128 We've been looking for you everywhere. 444 00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:27,421 Oh, my God! 445 00:33:27,463 --> 00:33:29,631 Help! Help! Guns! They're shooting! 446 00:33:30,633 --> 00:33:32,843 Move, move, move! Move! 447 00:33:37,807 --> 00:33:40,392 I am sorry about that, Mr President. 448 00:33:40,435 --> 00:33:44,604 Now, here are the briefing papers for Syria, the deficit, 449 00:33:44,647 --> 00:33:47,524 Israel and the Middle East, China, global warming, 450 00:33:47,650 --> 00:33:50,819 unemployment and the Arctic Wildlife Reserve. 451 00:33:51,529 --> 00:33:53,280 They're shooting! 452 00:33:53,364 --> 00:33:55,782 Me be my old self at home! 453 00:34:02,498 --> 00:34:05,876 I can do anything. 454 00:34:07,712 --> 00:34:10,964 OK, but what do I really want? 455 00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:19,264 Give me a really big dick. 456 00:34:19,849 --> 00:34:20,974 Ouch! 457 00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:23,810 Ouch, not that big, obviously! 458 00:34:24,312 --> 00:34:26,396 Just... Dick, return to the old size. 459 00:34:28,524 --> 00:34:30,150 Oh! 460 00:34:32,361 --> 00:34:37,365 OK... Let me have a penis that women find exciting. 461 00:34:40,369 --> 00:34:42,245 Yeah, it's good, yeah. Can I have it in white? 462 00:34:43,372 --> 00:34:44,706 Right, OK... 463 00:34:45,917 --> 00:34:47,667 Let me have a really great body. 464 00:34:49,170 --> 00:34:50,378 Wow. 465 00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,215 No. 466 00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:56,718 No, look, no, look, give me the body of a great man. 467 00:34:58,679 --> 00:35:01,181 What the fuck? Not Albert Einstein. 468 00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:04,351 Let me have the great body of a man. 469 00:35:12,193 --> 00:35:15,195 Me be able to see Catherine from downstairs, now. 470 00:35:29,252 --> 00:35:30,460 Shit. 471 00:35:33,047 --> 00:35:34,548 Let me not be able to see her. 472 00:35:35,091 --> 00:35:36,800 No, I don't mean me go blind. 473 00:35:37,718 --> 00:35:39,761 Let me be able to see but floor be as it was. 474 00:35:45,309 --> 00:35:48,979 Catherine from downstairs, forget what just happened. 475 00:35:57,155 --> 00:35:58,655 Move out of the way. 476 00:35:58,739 --> 00:36:00,615 Thank you. Quiet, please. Quietly. 477 00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:14,504 - Ray? 478 00:36:14,922 --> 00:36:18,925 You know earlier on we were talking about being able to do anything? 479 00:36:19,010 --> 00:36:20,969 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, well... 480 00:36:21,804 --> 00:36:27,309 This is going to sound kind of stupid but suddenly I can. 481 00:36:28,686 --> 00:36:30,312 - Can what? - Do anything. 482 00:36:30,438 --> 00:36:31,646 Just make things happen. 483 00:36:31,772 --> 00:36:35,358 Things that shouldn't happen, I just wave my hand and they do. 484 00:36:36,944 --> 00:36:38,153 You feeling OK? 485 00:36:39,113 --> 00:36:40,822 Yeah, just look. 486 00:36:44,827 --> 00:36:46,119 You, tell us who you were. 487 00:36:46,621 --> 00:36:49,539 You'll never believe this but I was a conjuror! 488 00:36:50,124 --> 00:36:52,459 I went by the name of The Great Alfredo. 489 00:36:53,461 --> 00:36:55,295 Real name was Reg Hoskins. 490 00:36:55,796 --> 00:36:59,549 I did variety, clubs, private parties, the lot. 491 00:36:59,634 --> 00:37:01,343 What is this? 3D projection or something, right? 492 00:37:01,844 --> 00:37:03,970 Course, it's all gone now. 493 00:37:04,013 --> 00:37:05,347 - I blame the wogs. - Hey! 494 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:07,474 All that black minstrel stuff. 495 00:37:08,017 --> 00:37:09,184 Once they started allowing that... 496 00:37:09,310 --> 00:37:10,560 That's not me, that's what I'm saying. It's... 497 00:37:10,645 --> 00:37:13,480 Jews took over the business. It was never the same again. 498 00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:15,148 Just go and jump out the window. 499 00:37:15,816 --> 00:37:17,525 Right-o. Watch this. 500 00:37:30,164 --> 00:37:31,206 What... 501 00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:34,251 - How did you do that? - I don't know. 502 00:37:35,169 --> 00:37:37,254 I could swear it was the skeleton talking. 503 00:37:37,338 --> 00:37:39,881 - Yeah, it was. - OK. 504 00:37:40,341 --> 00:37:41,549 Let me see you do another one. 505 00:37:42,176 --> 00:37:43,510 Well, what? I can't think of anything. 506 00:37:43,678 --> 00:37:47,514 Oh, come on. You know, how about some flowers? 507 00:37:48,516 --> 00:37:50,350 Bunch of flowers in my hand. 508 00:37:50,434 --> 00:37:54,062 It's pathetic. How about room be covered in flowers? 509 00:37:55,690 --> 00:37:56,898 Come on, Ray. 510 00:37:58,234 --> 00:38:00,193 Ray. Think of something more imaginative. 511 00:38:02,029 --> 00:38:05,657 Bloody hell, Palmer. Did you just throw this out the window? 512 00:38:05,950 --> 00:38:08,326 Neil. Did you throw this out the window? 513 00:38:08,369 --> 00:38:09,619 That's very funny. 514 00:38:09,704 --> 00:38:11,788 What are you doing here? Go on, get on home. I'll cover for you. 515 00:38:13,374 --> 00:38:14,624 Oh, my God. 516 00:38:17,712 --> 00:38:20,088 This is the best sandwich I've ever tasted. 517 00:38:20,715 --> 00:38:21,881 Told you. 518 00:38:22,258 --> 00:38:24,426 You know what? We could own a racehorse. 519 00:38:25,886 --> 00:38:28,722 Ray, we could own every racehorse in the world. 520 00:38:28,764 --> 00:38:29,931 No shit. 521 00:38:38,899 --> 00:38:41,526 - We win every time? - They're all ours. 522 00:38:42,611 --> 00:38:44,863 Let's forget about the horses. 523 00:38:44,905 --> 00:38:46,906 We could have anything, Neil. 524 00:38:46,991 --> 00:38:49,576 Wealth, fame. Women. 525 00:38:50,911 --> 00:38:53,872 We could make any woman fall in love with us. 526 00:38:53,914 --> 00:38:56,499 Neil, any woman we want. 527 00:38:57,918 --> 00:39:00,837 Goodnight, Catherine. See you later. 528 00:39:04,425 --> 00:39:06,134 Jump in, babe. 529 00:39:06,302 --> 00:39:08,595 Kerb crawling is illegal in this country, Grant. 530 00:39:08,846 --> 00:39:11,598 That doesn't really apply to people with my security clearance. 531 00:39:11,682 --> 00:39:13,183 Besides, how else are you going to get home? 532 00:39:13,434 --> 00:39:14,934 On the Tube. Go away. 533 00:39:15,102 --> 00:39:18,605 The London Underground is worse than anything we ever did in Guantanamo. 534 00:39:18,647 --> 00:39:21,274 - You don't deserve that. - No, I don't deserve this, either. 535 00:39:21,359 --> 00:39:23,985 - Please, leave me alone. - OK, OK, I get it. 536 00:39:24,111 --> 00:39:25,528 But you gotta let me down gently? 537 00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:27,322 What does that mean? 538 00:39:28,657 --> 00:39:29,949 Well, there's somebody else, right? 539 00:39:30,451 --> 00:39:32,452 No, Grant, that's not what this is about. 540 00:39:32,661 --> 00:39:33,703 It's... 541 00:39:34,830 --> 00:39:36,331 You and I are not compatible. 542 00:39:38,209 --> 00:39:41,127 So, we could grab some coffee, sit and talk. 543 00:39:41,629 --> 00:39:43,505 What would that even achieve? There's nothing to talk about. 544 00:39:44,799 --> 00:39:47,217 Except for the luxury apartment I rented for us. 545 00:39:47,301 --> 00:39:48,843 It's got a view of St Paul's Cathedral. 546 00:39:50,221 --> 00:39:52,806 Oh, my God. Go home, Grant. 547 00:39:53,557 --> 00:39:55,308 - Here's the key. - I don't want it. 548 00:39:55,976 --> 00:39:57,143 And when I get you up there, 549 00:39:57,228 --> 00:40:00,146 you're going to think you died and went to heaven. 550 00:40:38,519 --> 00:40:40,270 - Fuck Grant. - Oh, yeah, fuck Grant. 551 00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:41,688 Fuck Grant. 552 00:40:45,317 --> 00:40:48,987 Fuck James Cleverill. 553 00:40:54,660 --> 00:40:56,578 Fuck all TV producers. 554 00:40:56,662 --> 00:40:58,913 Especially ones that say you can sleep with them. 555 00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:00,957 But if I play my cards right. 556 00:41:11,051 --> 00:41:14,220 Why do I always end up with the control freaks? 557 00:41:14,388 --> 00:41:15,847 - Or gays. - Yeah. 558 00:41:16,557 --> 00:41:18,600 - Who? - Him upstairs. 559 00:41:19,351 --> 00:41:20,852 Oh, honey, he's not gay. 560 00:41:21,854 --> 00:41:24,355 He's attractive. He's kind. 561 00:41:25,065 --> 00:41:26,441 Well, then, fuck him. 562 00:41:26,734 --> 00:41:29,569 - No, he's nice. - No, I don't mean fuck him. 563 00:41:30,779 --> 00:41:33,239 I mean fuck him. 564 00:41:38,329 --> 00:41:40,288 - You mean fuck him? - Yeah. 565 00:41:40,789 --> 00:41:42,916 - What, right now? - No, not now. 566 00:41:43,834 --> 00:41:45,335 You've got to let me do your make-up first. 567 00:41:49,965 --> 00:41:52,675 Malfunction. Galactic power failure. 568 00:41:53,427 --> 00:41:56,095 Bother, we'll have to suspend the test. 569 00:41:56,138 --> 00:41:58,431 - What? - This is on the blink, Sharon. 570 00:41:58,766 --> 00:42:02,268 The earthling won't have galactic power until I get it working again. 571 00:42:02,436 --> 00:42:03,686 Botheration! 572 00:42:04,021 --> 00:42:07,690 I thought our galactic powers meant we could do anything? 573 00:42:13,113 --> 00:42:15,740 Catherine from downstairs, be madly in love with me. 574 00:42:16,909 --> 00:42:18,201 That was quick. 575 00:42:22,706 --> 00:42:24,082 - Hi. - Hi. 576 00:42:24,291 --> 00:42:26,543 - You're not gay, are you? - No, no. 577 00:42:36,637 --> 00:42:38,471 - Let's go to bed. - OK. 578 00:42:43,519 --> 00:42:44,852 Oh, shit! 579 00:42:46,939 --> 00:42:48,314 My leg! 580 00:42:53,070 --> 00:42:54,320 Got it. 581 00:42:54,947 --> 00:42:58,575 Galactic power now returning to earthling. 582 00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:33,401 Weather, be like it is in Los Angeles. 583 00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:38,740 I didn't mean be like it is in Los Angeles right this moment. 584 00:43:38,866 --> 00:43:41,492 It's the middle of the night, for crying out loud. 585 00:43:41,535 --> 00:43:43,870 Weather, be like it usually is 586 00:43:43,912 --> 00:43:46,205 in Los Angeles during the day. 587 00:43:47,625 --> 00:43:49,375 So pedantic. 588 00:43:53,213 --> 00:43:54,213 All right. 589 00:43:57,551 --> 00:43:59,427 Clothes, get dressed on me. 590 00:44:04,391 --> 00:44:05,767 And smarten yourselves up. 591 00:44:06,602 --> 00:44:07,644 Better. 592 00:44:31,919 --> 00:44:33,419 Miss Pringle, this really... 593 00:44:34,588 --> 00:44:35,838 has to stop. 594 00:44:36,256 --> 00:44:39,342 - Oh, Lord. - Oh, Lord. 595 00:44:44,848 --> 00:44:46,933 Yeah. 596 00:44:48,268 --> 00:44:50,269 OK. 597 00:44:50,771 --> 00:44:53,022 That was a very interesting... 598 00:44:53,107 --> 00:44:54,774 Could you just stop that, please? 599 00:44:54,942 --> 00:44:58,277 You, stop tapping. Let's just have a break, shall we? Just... 600 00:44:59,321 --> 00:45:01,364 Right, what's next? 601 00:45:03,492 --> 00:45:06,035 This one's in German. Wow. 602 00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:10,498 Let me be able to understand German. 603 00:45:14,837 --> 00:45:17,213 What are you talking about, Dennis? 604 00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:20,133 Look, just shut up, OK? I can handle this. 605 00:45:20,843 --> 00:45:23,219 She's not going to ask me to marry her. 606 00:45:23,303 --> 00:45:26,723 Or have my children, OK? 607 00:45:26,807 --> 00:45:29,851 Dennis, what are you talking about? 608 00:45:33,230 --> 00:45:35,148 That's a good idea, actually. What are you talking about? 609 00:45:35,399 --> 00:45:36,566 Dennis, be able to talk. 610 00:45:36,650 --> 00:45:37,900 Biscuits. 611 00:45:39,862 --> 00:45:41,904 - What? - Biscuits. 612 00:45:41,989 --> 00:45:44,532 Maybe if I make her fall in love with me like a little bit, you know, 613 00:45:44,658 --> 00:45:46,033 so she doesn't want to marry me 614 00:45:46,160 --> 00:45:47,410 - but she would have sex on a regular... - Biscuits. 615 00:45:47,828 --> 00:45:50,496 - For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard. - What are? 616 00:45:50,873 --> 00:45:53,666 Biscuits. Red biscuits, black biscuits. 617 00:45:53,751 --> 00:45:55,752 - Nothing else matters. - Is that all you think about? 618 00:45:55,836 --> 00:45:57,587 Yes, yes! Biscuits. 619 00:45:59,673 --> 00:46:03,259 All right, Dennis, become a rational, thinking creature. 620 00:46:03,844 --> 00:46:06,846 Look, I just can't concentrate on anything until I've had one of those biscuits. 621 00:46:07,014 --> 00:46:09,932 I know it's crazy but that's how it is. I guess I'm kind of hooked on them. 622 00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:11,851 So please give me just one biscuit, 623 00:46:11,894 --> 00:46:14,520 then I'll be able to think about something else. 624 00:46:15,230 --> 00:46:16,355 That makes sense. 625 00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:18,858 Oh, oh, oh! He's getting the biscuits! He's getting them! This is it! 626 00:46:18,901 --> 00:46:19,942 Yeah! 627 00:46:22,362 --> 00:46:24,197 He's got them. 628 00:46:24,281 --> 00:46:27,575 He's got them. He's going to throw one. Get ready, get ready. Here it comes. 629 00:46:31,580 --> 00:46:36,083 God, it must be terrible being a dog. I never realised you had so many cravings. 630 00:46:36,210 --> 00:46:38,711 - It's no worse than you and that bitch. - What bitch? 631 00:46:38,754 --> 00:46:40,922 The bitch you were shagging last night. 632 00:46:41,048 --> 00:46:45,301 Oh, my God. She's not a bitch, OK? She's a lovely human female. 633 00:46:45,385 --> 00:46:46,552 And we weren't just shagging. 634 00:46:46,637 --> 00:46:49,222 Right. Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now. 635 00:46:49,264 --> 00:46:51,432 A little leg dance? Just above the sock. 636 00:46:51,558 --> 00:46:53,267 - How about it? Come on, Daddy. 637 00:46:53,393 --> 00:46:56,229 I thought I turned you into a rational, thinking creature. 638 00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:58,815 Rational, thinking creatures still have desires. 639 00:46:59,149 --> 00:47:00,900 Oh, well, we can soon deal with that. 640 00:47:00,984 --> 00:47:02,235 No! 641 00:47:02,486 --> 00:47:05,655 - No, no, don't take my desires away from me. - Why not? 642 00:47:05,739 --> 00:47:09,158 They're what makes my life worth living. Biscuits, shagging. 643 00:47:09,284 --> 00:47:11,577 I don't think I like your conversation. 644 00:47:11,662 --> 00:47:14,497 But I worship you, master. I love you so much. 645 00:47:14,581 --> 00:47:16,165 - I can't bear displeasing you. - I... I know. 646 00:47:16,250 --> 00:47:17,792 - My whole world collapses... - I know. Yes. I love you. 647 00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:18,918 ...when you're cross with me. 648 00:47:18,961 --> 00:47:20,169 Look, maybe it was better when you didn't talk. 649 00:47:20,337 --> 00:47:23,464 Oh, no, don't take away my power of speech now that I can think rationally. 650 00:47:23,590 --> 00:47:24,966 That would be so cruel. 651 00:47:26,426 --> 00:47:27,802 - I heard the bell. Somebody at the door. - OK, no... 652 00:47:27,928 --> 00:47:29,762 - The bell! Hey! The bell! - No, no. Dennis. Dennis, good dog. 653 00:47:29,847 --> 00:47:30,930 - Hello, the bell! - Dennis... Dennis. 654 00:47:30,973 --> 00:47:32,098 - Hey, hey, somebody. - Just... Just quiet. 655 00:47:32,182 --> 00:47:34,350 There it goes again. Hey, hey, somebody at the door. 656 00:47:34,434 --> 00:47:36,143 Oh, no, have I done something wrong again? 657 00:47:36,270 --> 00:47:38,229 No, just... Just be quiet. Do you understand me? 658 00:47:39,398 --> 00:47:42,149 Yes. Yes, anything to stop you being angry with me. 659 00:47:42,234 --> 00:47:43,818 The bell! There it goes again! 660 00:47:43,944 --> 00:47:45,069 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 661 00:47:45,112 --> 00:47:47,238 Dennis, listen. Just listen, listen, listen, listen. 662 00:47:47,281 --> 00:47:49,156 Be quiet. That is an order. 663 00:47:49,283 --> 00:47:51,450 Right. Quiet. 664 00:47:51,493 --> 00:47:54,287 I like obeying orders, especially your orders. 665 00:47:54,413 --> 00:47:57,164 Good. Well, then, shut the fuck up. 666 00:47:57,291 --> 00:47:59,750 Right, right. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, right. 667 00:48:03,130 --> 00:48:04,297 Good boy. 668 00:48:08,969 --> 00:48:14,807 Oh, God, I made her do it. I made her do it... I... OK. 669 00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,102 - Hi. - Hey. 670 00:48:18,145 --> 00:48:20,980 - Can I come in? - Yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. 671 00:48:23,358 --> 00:48:27,111 - So, look, about last night... - Yes. 672 00:48:27,195 --> 00:48:29,447 - Is this a bad time? - No, no. No, no. 673 00:48:29,489 --> 00:48:31,449 OK. I just... I don't want you to think 674 00:48:31,491 --> 00:48:34,785 that I, do that sort of thing all the time 675 00:48:34,828 --> 00:48:37,413 because... Because I don't. 676 00:48:37,497 --> 00:48:40,333 - I was slightly drunk. - Yeah, well, I mean, naturally. 677 00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:42,335 Otherwise we probably wouldn't have done the thing with the... 678 00:48:42,377 --> 00:48:44,003 - No, no, no, that's not what I mean. - ... beard trimmer. 679 00:48:44,046 --> 00:48:48,049 I mean, I like you. I, I've always really enjoyed talking to you. 680 00:48:48,175 --> 00:48:51,552 I just... I probably wouldn't have jumped on you like that if I hadn't... 681 00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:56,057 - Been pissed as a newt? - Well, sort of. 682 00:48:56,183 --> 00:48:58,976 Yeah, OK. Well, then, let's just forget it. It never... It never happened. 683 00:48:59,019 --> 00:49:00,811 No, no, no, that's not what I'm saying, Neil. 684 00:49:01,355 --> 00:49:03,522 Oh, well, what did you want, then? 685 00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:05,691 Shag her, Neil! 686 00:49:06,026 --> 00:49:07,652 That's Dennis. 687 00:49:09,321 --> 00:49:12,198 - Dennis? - Yeah. He is a plumber. 688 00:49:12,240 --> 00:49:15,034 I'm having a few problems with my waterworks. My water pipes. 689 00:49:15,160 --> 00:49:16,369 Shag her, Neil! 690 00:49:17,829 --> 00:49:20,498 I'd better get him the shagger. It's a special wrench that plumbers use. 691 00:49:24,044 --> 00:49:25,378 I thought I told you to shut up. 692 00:49:25,420 --> 00:49:27,588 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, sorry. 693 00:49:27,714 --> 00:49:29,340 You're supposed to be a rational, thinking creature. 694 00:49:29,424 --> 00:49:32,259 Sorry, sorry. Can't help myself. Sorry. Oh, dear. I wanna shag your leg. 695 00:49:32,386 --> 00:49:34,428 Shh. It's not a great time, to be honest. 696 00:49:34,554 --> 00:49:36,055 Maybe later, if you behave. 697 00:49:36,098 --> 00:49:37,181 Oh... 698 00:49:37,224 --> 00:49:41,686 Oh... Couldn't... Couldn't find the shagger, so he just went with the old decoupler. 699 00:49:41,728 --> 00:49:43,354 I love you, Neil! 700 00:49:43,397 --> 00:49:45,523 Shut up, Dennis! 701 00:49:45,857 --> 00:49:48,025 It's odd, isn't it, shouting at the plumber like that? 702 00:49:48,068 --> 00:49:51,529 But, the fact is he's my brother. The plumber is my brother. 703 00:49:51,571 --> 00:49:53,948 Say you love me, Neil. 704 00:49:54,074 --> 00:49:55,241 And we're very close. 705 00:49:55,283 --> 00:49:57,410 - God, Rosie was right. - Rosie? 706 00:49:57,536 --> 00:49:59,954 Please can I shag your leg? 707 00:50:00,455 --> 00:50:03,207 Jesus, Neil, how could you? The next morning! 708 00:50:03,458 --> 00:50:04,709 What? I... 709 00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:08,421 - Why do I always end up with creeps? - I'm not a creep! 710 00:50:08,463 --> 00:50:11,465 There was a cat, Neil! Neil! Hey, you, cat! 711 00:50:11,591 --> 00:50:14,385 Stay out of my garden, go on! Neil, it's a ginger tom! 712 00:50:16,096 --> 00:50:18,264 Dennis, be a dumb animal again for five minutes. 713 00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:23,394 So she thinks I'm gay. 714 00:50:23,437 --> 00:50:25,896 I mean, so what, you know? 715 00:50:25,939 --> 00:50:29,108 I mean, it means that she won't want to marry me or have my kids. 716 00:50:30,110 --> 00:50:32,278 Bingo. Problem solved. 717 00:50:33,113 --> 00:50:34,655 Thank you, Dennis. 718 00:50:40,829 --> 00:50:47,585 Catherine! 719 00:50:49,963 --> 00:50:52,173 Me be on the bus. 720 00:50:54,926 --> 00:50:57,928 I don't mean on the bus. I mean in the bus. 721 00:51:00,348 --> 00:51:03,642 Not in the engine. In the passenger accommodation! 722 00:51:10,484 --> 00:51:11,650 Hey! 723 00:51:12,611 --> 00:51:27,333 Catherine! 724 00:51:27,709 --> 00:51:28,834 Whoa. 725 00:51:28,877 --> 00:51:30,961 - Ray. - You've gotta stop Miss Pringle. 726 00:51:31,004 --> 00:51:33,714 She's... She's set up shrines all over the school. 727 00:51:33,840 --> 00:51:35,174 There's even a website. 728 00:51:35,300 --> 00:51:36,801 Look, you wanted her to worship you, OK? 729 00:51:36,843 --> 00:51:38,844 - Not like this. - Ray, I don't have time for this. 730 00:51:39,054 --> 00:51:40,846 Wait, wait, wait. You haven't lost the powers, have you? 731 00:51:40,972 --> 00:51:43,182 - No, I haven't lost the powers. Ray. - You have. You've lost the... 732 00:51:43,308 --> 00:51:44,350 - I haven't lost the powers. - Do the thing. 733 00:51:44,392 --> 00:51:45,893 Ray, become a duck. 734 00:51:48,897 --> 00:51:53,901 Ray. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it. Ray, stop it. Ray, become a sausage. 735 00:51:54,402 --> 00:51:58,197 - I haven't lost the powers, Ray, OK? This is... - Where is he, Neil? 736 00:51:58,698 --> 00:52:01,033 Oh. That's his car. 737 00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:04,829 Oh. Behold the car of Ray! 738 00:52:08,375 --> 00:52:11,168 - Catherine, can we talk? - No. 739 00:52:11,211 --> 00:52:12,586 But I love you. 740 00:52:12,712 --> 00:52:14,505 You also love Dennis, apparently. 741 00:52:14,548 --> 00:52:16,924 - Did you take that off there? - No, this is mine. 742 00:52:17,050 --> 00:52:18,384 - Yours? - Yeah. 743 00:52:18,510 --> 00:52:20,177 Look, you've got it all wrong about Dennis. 744 00:52:20,220 --> 00:52:23,889 I've nothing whatsoever against Dennis. You love him, he loves you. 745 00:52:23,974 --> 00:52:26,058 I'm happy for both of you. Just don't bring me into it. 746 00:52:26,226 --> 00:52:28,394 Yeah, no, but there's something I need to tell you about Dennis. 747 00:52:28,436 --> 00:52:30,521 You are going to have to pay for that now that you've touched it. 748 00:52:30,564 --> 00:52:32,148 - It's mine! - No, it isn't. 749 00:52:32,232 --> 00:52:33,691 Look, I heard what you said to each other, Neil. 750 00:52:33,733 --> 00:52:35,985 Yeah, look. There's something crucial about Dennis you don't know. 751 00:52:36,069 --> 00:52:37,069 - Hey! - He's not a man. 752 00:52:37,195 --> 00:52:38,362 I don't want to hear this, Neil. 753 00:52:38,488 --> 00:52:39,864 I know, but I'm just saying, he's not a man. 754 00:52:39,906 --> 00:52:41,740 Hell's tits! 755 00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:43,242 - You pervert! 756 00:52:43,326 --> 00:52:44,743 You come in here and steal our stuff? 757 00:52:44,828 --> 00:52:45,870 I told you, that's not your sausage. 758 00:52:45,912 --> 00:52:48,164 - It is my sausage. Give it back. - Get off. Be careful, be careful. 759 00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:49,748 - Just let go! - Oh, God! 760 00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:52,418 - Give me 80p. - Fine. 761 00:52:54,004 --> 00:52:56,046 - I'll just get your change. - No, it's... Never mind. It's... 762 00:52:56,089 --> 00:52:57,381 Well, no, cos it's �4.20. 763 00:52:57,424 --> 00:52:59,425 - Keep it. - It's too much for a tip. 764 00:52:59,551 --> 00:53:02,428 - Have it your way. - I should think so, too. Jesus. 765 00:53:04,598 --> 00:53:07,266 Feck. Sausage, become Ray. 766 00:53:07,934 --> 00:53:12,396 Jesus, Neil. Have you any idea how vulnerable a sausage feels? 767 00:53:12,689 --> 00:53:13,898 There he is! 768 00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:16,901 I'm off! 769 00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:19,778 - Leave me alone, you nutters! - Ray! Ray! 770 00:53:19,905 --> 00:53:22,406 Here you go. You must have been hungry. 771 00:53:25,452 --> 00:53:28,787 It's clear he has no idea of doing any good whatsoever. 772 00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:32,958 Why can't we just get on with the destruction? 773 00:53:33,043 --> 00:53:35,127 Because there are rules, Maureen. 774 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:37,046 We must follow galactic procedure. 775 00:53:37,130 --> 00:53:41,800 Rules didn't stop you from eating the inhabitants of G4378, Janet! 776 00:53:41,927 --> 00:53:44,094 They were delicious. Very crunchy, as I recall... 777 00:53:49,935 --> 00:53:51,644 - Surprise, surprise! - Oh, my God! 778 00:53:51,770 --> 00:53:53,812 - No! - Wait. Wait, wait. Catherine! 779 00:53:55,398 --> 00:53:56,398 You're crazy, do you know that? 780 00:53:56,608 --> 00:53:59,068 Crazy in love, darlin'. 781 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:01,111 Get out of my flat, Grant. 782 00:54:01,154 --> 00:54:02,655 Well, I can't because you've locked the door now, babe. 783 00:54:02,781 --> 00:54:04,615 Well, then, get out the way you got in. 784 00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:07,826 Oh, honey, come on, now. That ain't nice! 785 00:54:07,953 --> 00:54:11,163 Just get out, Grant. I never want to see you again! 786 00:54:11,289 --> 00:54:12,957 Get out of my life! 787 00:54:12,999 --> 00:54:14,625 Get out! 788 00:54:15,126 --> 00:54:17,253 Come on, now, open the door. 789 00:54:17,337 --> 00:54:19,797 Sorry. Sorry about the noise. 790 00:54:20,674 --> 00:54:22,341 At least it wasn't barking. 791 00:54:22,425 --> 00:54:24,301 Feck off. Not you. 792 00:54:24,344 --> 00:54:25,886 - Walk out the front door, OK? - Honey! 793 00:54:25,971 --> 00:54:27,888 Then sneak in the back. Make your way up to my place. No moves. 794 00:54:27,973 --> 00:54:30,432 - No, no, no funny business. - Come on. Let the love shine through. 795 00:54:30,517 --> 00:54:31,850 You can just stay out of his way 796 00:54:31,935 --> 00:54:33,852 - and I will make you dinner. - Love me! 797 00:54:34,479 --> 00:54:36,188 - I hate doors! - All right. 798 00:54:36,314 --> 00:54:37,815 But invite Dennis. We'll behave like grown-ups. 799 00:54:37,857 --> 00:54:39,525 - Catherine? - OK. 800 00:54:39,651 --> 00:54:41,360 - Catherine, come back. - I'm leaving! 801 00:54:41,486 --> 00:54:45,656 OK. I'm coming! Hold on. Wait for me, now. 802 00:54:48,285 --> 00:54:49,827 She's coming to dinner! 803 00:54:49,869 --> 00:54:52,288 This episode looks at doggy fantasies. 804 00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:54,707 Whoa. Hey! It was just about to start. 805 00:54:54,791 --> 00:54:56,875 She's coming to dinner. 806 00:54:56,960 --> 00:54:59,336 - Who? - Catherine. 807 00:54:59,379 --> 00:55:01,046 Oh, the bitch. 808 00:55:01,172 --> 00:55:04,883 Don't call her that, all right? I don't want you chipping in, either, OK? 809 00:55:05,010 --> 00:55:06,844 Just pretend to be a dumb animal again. 810 00:55:07,220 --> 00:55:08,554 Me? A dumb animal? 811 00:55:08,722 --> 00:55:10,639 Yeah, well, you know how to pretend, don't you? 812 00:55:10,807 --> 00:55:12,182 It's just... It's called acting. 813 00:55:12,225 --> 00:55:14,059 Oh, you mean like when I'm having my tummy tickled? 814 00:55:14,644 --> 00:55:17,730 - You love having your tummy tickled. - No, I don't. 815 00:55:18,523 --> 00:55:21,066 - What? - It's a sham, Neil. All dogs do it. 816 00:55:21,651 --> 00:55:25,029 - Why? - Why do humans like tickling dogs' tummies? 817 00:55:25,238 --> 00:55:26,989 Because they love having their tummies tickled. 818 00:55:27,073 --> 00:55:31,368 Dogs pretend to like it because they know human beings like doing it. 819 00:55:32,245 --> 00:55:37,082 Well, just pretend to be a perfectly ordinary dog, OK? 820 00:55:37,250 --> 00:55:39,543 Can't I join in the conversation just a little bit? 821 00:55:39,586 --> 00:55:42,921 - No. - That is so cruel. 822 00:55:44,591 --> 00:55:48,260 Somebody at the door! Hey! Hey! It's the bell! It's the bell! It's the bell! It's the bell! 823 00:55:48,345 --> 00:55:50,763 - I know it's the bell, Dennis. - Right. No, no, sorry. 824 00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:54,391 Just one more peep out of you, OK, and the flea collar is going back on again. 825 00:55:55,060 --> 00:55:58,020 Right, right, right. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 826 00:55:58,104 --> 00:55:59,355 Bark. 827 00:56:00,398 --> 00:56:01,607 Woof. 828 00:56:02,108 --> 00:56:03,442 Do it properly. 829 00:56:03,902 --> 00:56:06,945 Yeah, good. OK, thank you. 830 00:56:07,072 --> 00:56:08,530 Got it. 831 00:56:10,033 --> 00:56:11,116 - Hi. - Has he gone? 832 00:56:11,201 --> 00:56:12,576 No, I don't think so. 833 00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:14,870 - Dennis, down. 834 00:56:15,789 --> 00:56:18,290 You named him after the plumber, then, did you? 835 00:56:21,252 --> 00:56:24,254 Do you want your tummy tickled? 836 00:56:24,798 --> 00:56:27,257 Why do dogs like that so much? 837 00:56:28,551 --> 00:56:30,052 I don't know. 838 00:56:34,891 --> 00:56:37,643 So the producer promises to take me out of the general office 839 00:56:37,727 --> 00:56:40,145 and give me a big desk with a view, but he won't. 840 00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,649 He's just trying to get me into bed. 841 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:47,820 What did you want to tell me? 842 00:56:48,571 --> 00:56:50,322 Just try this first. 843 00:57:06,172 --> 00:57:07,506 Oh, that's incredible. 844 00:57:09,801 --> 00:57:13,262 That's the most wonderful thing I've ever tasted in my life. 845 00:57:16,015 --> 00:57:21,145 I had no idea you were such a fantastic cook. 846 00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:24,857 I've... I've... It's unlike anything I've ever tasted. What is it? 847 00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:29,361 I just said, "Let the soup be the most amazing thing Catherine has ever tasted, 848 00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:31,363 "unlike anything she's tasted before. " 849 00:57:31,406 --> 00:57:34,825 - And it is. - Really? 850 00:57:34,868 --> 00:57:41,832 Really. I can make things happen. Anything. 851 00:57:43,084 --> 00:57:45,002 That's what I was trying to tell you this morning, you know? 852 00:57:45,044 --> 00:57:47,337 I wasn't talking to a live-in homosexual plumber. 853 00:57:47,380 --> 00:57:49,047 I was talking to Dennis. 854 00:57:49,883 --> 00:57:51,842 - The dog? - Dennis the dog. 855 00:57:52,719 --> 00:57:57,389 - Who answered you back? - Yeah, because I made him talk. 856 00:57:59,267 --> 00:58:01,560 - Oh. - With my powers. 857 00:58:03,062 --> 00:58:04,605 Special powers? 858 00:58:05,899 --> 00:58:08,358 I mean, what, you... You want a bigger desk? You got it. 859 00:58:08,443 --> 00:58:10,235 You want a great view? You got it. 860 00:58:11,237 --> 00:58:15,908 Neil, how long have you had these special powers? 861 00:58:16,576 --> 00:58:18,368 Well, they came upon me very suddenly. 862 00:58:18,453 --> 00:58:21,747 - Very suddenly? - Yeah, I was knocked off my bike. 863 00:58:22,415 --> 00:58:23,749 Just ask me to do something, anything. 864 00:58:23,791 --> 00:58:27,085 - Just, you know... - Listen, Neil, it's... It's OK. 865 00:58:27,795 --> 00:58:29,213 You can get help with this. 866 00:58:29,297 --> 00:58:30,756 Son of a bitch! 867 00:58:30,965 --> 00:58:32,132 Oh! 868 00:58:32,383 --> 00:58:33,800 Shit, Grant! 869 00:58:33,927 --> 00:58:35,093 I'm out of here! 870 00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:37,596 - There's nobody else? - Who is this guy? 871 00:58:37,639 --> 00:58:39,932 She didn't tell you? I'm her fianc�. 872 00:58:39,974 --> 00:58:41,642 - You're not my fianc�, Grant. - Oh, yeah? 873 00:58:41,768 --> 00:58:44,061 And you weren't just making out with this apology of a man? 874 00:58:44,103 --> 00:58:45,395 Stop this. 875 00:58:45,563 --> 00:58:47,397 You know how long you'd last on a battlefield, soldier? 876 00:58:47,440 --> 00:58:48,607 I'm sorry, Neil. 877 00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:50,734 - That long. - I'm warning you. 878 00:58:51,110 --> 00:58:53,612 - You're warning me? - Yeah, I'm warning you. 879 00:58:53,655 --> 00:58:55,239 Who is this guy? 880 00:58:55,323 --> 00:58:57,241 - Why don't you suck on this, asshole? - Grant! 881 00:58:57,575 --> 00:59:00,452 All I have to do is go like this and... And say what? 882 00:59:00,495 --> 00:59:03,789 - Where did you find this fruitcake? - Put that away, Grant. 883 00:59:03,915 --> 00:59:06,083 What can I say? Grant, become a fairy? 884 00:59:06,167 --> 00:59:08,627 It's Grant, not... Grant. 885 00:59:08,753 --> 00:59:10,712 - Stop it. - And you're the goddamn fairy. 886 00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,756 How about Grant go back to where you came from? 887 00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,217 - It's Grant. - How about kiss my arse, Grant? 888 00:59:15,301 --> 00:59:16,969 Neil, don't. He's crazy. 889 00:59:17,053 --> 00:59:20,639 How about you say, "Please, Grant, don't put a bullet through my brain?" 890 00:59:20,723 --> 00:59:24,601 - Grant, stop it! - I prefer, "Let all bullets bounce off me. " 891 00:59:24,811 --> 00:59:28,438 - Go on, shoot me. - Oh, my God. You're both crazy. 892 00:59:28,481 --> 00:59:30,566 - He doesn't dare. - Neil, please, please. 893 00:59:30,650 --> 00:59:33,235 Go on, pull the trigger. What's the matter, "Grant"? 894 00:59:33,319 --> 00:59:34,653 - Shut up. - Go on, shoot me. 895 00:59:34,821 --> 00:59:36,280 - Neil, he will. - No, he won't. 896 00:59:36,322 --> 00:59:39,283 - Yes, I will. - No, you won't. Grant, drop the gun. 897 00:59:39,325 --> 00:59:41,326 You little shit! 898 00:59:43,162 --> 00:59:44,955 You're idiots, both of you. 899 00:59:44,998 --> 00:59:46,081 I wouldn't do this if I were you. 900 00:59:46,165 --> 00:59:47,165 "I wouldn't do this if I were you. " 901 00:59:47,292 --> 00:59:48,417 God, I hate the English. 902 00:59:53,506 --> 00:59:56,008 Let Grant's arm break if he tries to throttle me. 903 00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:57,759 Shut up. It's Grant! 904 00:59:57,844 --> 00:59:59,678 Oh! 905 01:00:00,013 --> 01:00:01,597 Help! Help! Help! 906 01:00:01,681 --> 01:00:02,848 Who the heck was that? 907 01:00:02,932 --> 01:00:05,017 That's Dennis. 908 01:00:09,522 --> 01:00:14,693 It's just a dog! English dick. 909 01:00:15,528 --> 01:00:19,114 - Shit! Shit! What happened? - Yeah, yeah. 910 01:00:19,198 --> 01:00:21,700 - Do you want me to make it better? - It hurts. 911 01:00:21,784 --> 01:00:23,493 Grant's arm be better. 912 01:00:26,623 --> 01:00:29,207 Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what is this? 913 01:00:30,043 --> 01:00:32,002 Grant be stuck on the ceiling. 914 01:00:32,211 --> 01:00:33,545 Oh, shit! 915 01:00:33,671 --> 01:00:34,796 Grant be plastered to the wall. 916 01:00:35,965 --> 01:00:38,175 Wait, wait, wait. Let's talk about this. 917 01:00:38,217 --> 01:00:40,510 Grant be buried head first in the plant pot. 918 01:00:40,553 --> 01:00:42,054 What do you mean, potted plant? 919 01:00:44,724 --> 01:00:46,892 Grant be standing in front of me. 920 01:00:51,397 --> 01:00:54,399 Yeah. You wanna be nice to me, Grant, OK? 921 01:00:54,484 --> 01:00:55,692 Maybe I can help you. 922 01:00:55,902 --> 01:01:00,405 - You? - I could make your life absolutely hell 923 01:01:00,531 --> 01:01:03,241 or I could say, "Grant be holding a million dollars. " 924 01:01:06,913 --> 01:01:10,040 Oh, yeah! 925 01:01:10,166 --> 01:01:12,668 Or I could say, "A million dollars, disappear. " 926 01:01:13,503 --> 01:01:14,586 Fuck! Come on! 927 01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:19,424 I can do anything. All I have to do is wave my hand. 928 01:01:20,426 --> 01:01:22,678 - You gotta wave your hand? - That's right. 929 01:01:23,221 --> 01:01:25,931 Isn't he great? I love you. I love you so much. 930 01:01:26,015 --> 01:01:28,350 - Dennis, keep out of this. - But you are great, Neil. 931 01:01:28,518 --> 01:01:30,727 - You can do anything. - Dennis, shut up. I'm not... 932 01:01:30,770 --> 01:01:32,896 Master! Neil! 933 01:01:40,697 --> 01:01:44,366 - Hi. Made your mind up yet? - How about tonight? 934 01:01:44,784 --> 01:01:46,451 Good girl. 8:00, my place. 935 01:01:46,577 --> 01:01:48,954 Yeah. I always pick the wrong guy, anyway. 936 01:01:49,080 --> 01:01:52,457 I got you a new desk. 937 01:02:28,494 --> 01:02:29,578 Hey! 938 01:02:29,662 --> 01:02:35,125 Well, it's about time. Now, listen up. When I take that gag out of your mouth, 939 01:02:35,168 --> 01:02:38,336 you're going to say exactly what's on that piece of paper, you understand? 940 01:02:38,463 --> 01:02:44,134 The moment you say a word that is not on that piece of paper, I kill the dog. 941 01:02:45,178 --> 01:02:46,636 Don't let him shoot me, Neil. 942 01:02:46,763 --> 01:02:48,513 Understand? Nod if you understand. 943 01:02:50,933 --> 01:02:57,481 OK. OK. I'm going to take the gag out now. Remember, one wrong word 944 01:02:58,941 --> 01:03:00,692 and the dog gets it. 945 01:03:02,862 --> 01:03:09,367 OK, read. Item number one, let's go. Come on. 946 01:03:09,535 --> 01:03:12,120 "Item number one. All pasty white Englishmen... 947 01:03:12,205 --> 01:03:15,040 "Pasty white Englishmen to get big ears and webbed feet?" 948 01:03:18,711 --> 01:03:21,046 - Now wave your hand. - What? 949 01:03:21,130 --> 01:03:22,714 Wave your hand! 950 01:03:22,882 --> 01:03:24,633 Oh! 951 01:03:27,386 --> 01:03:29,679 Yes! Yes! Oh, it's beautiful. 952 01:03:39,148 --> 01:03:42,150 Neil! Neil! 953 01:03:50,243 --> 01:04:02,879 Neil? 954 01:04:09,929 --> 01:04:11,096 Oh! 955 01:04:12,265 --> 01:04:13,431 You don't worship me, do you? 956 01:04:13,558 --> 01:04:17,227 What? Ray. You're Ray. 957 01:04:19,188 --> 01:04:20,772 - I can't find Neil. - Isn't he here? 958 01:04:21,232 --> 01:04:22,357 He wasn't at school, either. 959 01:04:22,441 --> 01:04:25,068 Oh, I left him with my crazy, gun-toting ex-boyfriend. 960 01:04:26,279 --> 01:04:28,363 - Neil's got these powers. - No, I know, I know. 961 01:04:28,447 --> 01:04:29,531 Oh. 962 01:04:29,615 --> 01:04:33,451 He got Miss Pringle to... To worship me and now she's turned me into a religion. 963 01:04:33,870 --> 01:04:35,954 - They think I'm immortal. - So what? 964 01:04:36,706 --> 01:04:39,708 They want me to prove it by rising from the dead. 965 01:04:41,377 --> 01:04:42,752 We've got to find Neil. 966 01:04:43,963 --> 01:04:45,589 Wait. 967 01:04:47,383 --> 01:04:49,634 Hey! Hey! 968 01:04:50,136 --> 01:04:51,636 What are you doing? 969 01:04:54,473 --> 01:04:55,932 No... 970 01:04:57,059 --> 01:04:58,101 Got it. 971 01:04:58,811 --> 01:05:00,312 - Where's your car? - Why? 972 01:05:00,396 --> 01:05:01,605 I know where they are. 973 01:05:04,483 --> 01:05:06,985 It's just out here. We can... Shit! 974 01:05:07,653 --> 01:05:08,820 Lord. 975 01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:10,447 Oh, no. Run for it! 976 01:05:11,824 --> 01:05:14,659 Get him! Lord! 977 01:05:16,579 --> 01:05:17,787 Yeah! 978 01:05:17,955 --> 01:05:21,082 This is working beautifully. OK, keep going. Number three. Let's go. 979 01:05:21,500 --> 01:05:27,505 OK. "Three. All British police to have pink uniforms. " 980 01:05:27,632 --> 01:05:29,591 My personal favourite. 981 01:05:32,011 --> 01:05:33,762 Ray! 982 01:05:34,013 --> 01:05:36,473 Lord! Come to us! 983 01:05:37,767 --> 01:05:40,518 Ray! Ray! 984 01:05:45,483 --> 01:05:46,983 What's this all about? 985 01:05:47,818 --> 01:05:51,029 Oi! 986 01:05:51,656 --> 01:05:52,864 Take that off! 987 01:06:01,666 --> 01:06:02,707 There he is! 988 01:06:33,656 --> 01:06:38,576 Oh! Oh... Oh, it's beautiful. 989 01:06:38,661 --> 01:06:40,412 I can't believe it. All right, next one. 990 01:06:40,454 --> 01:06:42,122 Come on, read. 991 01:06:42,206 --> 01:06:45,208 "Let all traffic lights be permanently set on green. " 992 01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:46,751 Come on. That's just... 993 01:06:46,877 --> 01:06:49,337 Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey. 994 01:06:49,422 --> 01:06:51,548 Do it, do it. 995 01:06:55,428 --> 01:06:56,928 Wait. Now, listen. 996 01:07:07,565 --> 01:07:09,024 All right. 997 01:07:13,654 --> 01:07:15,238 Grant, are you in there? 998 01:07:15,948 --> 01:07:19,159 Skip to the end. Hurry up. Just skip to the end! 999 01:07:20,036 --> 01:07:24,039 Skip to the end. Just... There. Come on, quick. Read it. 1000 01:07:24,123 --> 01:07:28,001 OK, OK, "Item 417, Catherine West... " 1001 01:07:28,335 --> 01:07:29,377 - Come on. - All right. 1002 01:07:30,337 --> 01:07:32,005 Let them go, Grant. 1003 01:07:32,089 --> 01:07:35,508 Why should I? Go on, Neil. Read the last item. 1004 01:07:36,260 --> 01:07:41,723 "Item 417, Catherine West be madly, deeply in love with Colonel Grant Kotchev 1005 01:07:42,266 --> 01:07:44,726 "and leap on him like a tigress begging for sex. " 1006 01:07:47,104 --> 01:07:50,023 - You bastard. - Now, come on, now. 1007 01:07:50,107 --> 01:07:51,441 Wave your hand. Come on. 1008 01:07:51,525 --> 01:07:53,651 - Neil, don't! - Or the dog gets it! 1009 01:07:53,736 --> 01:07:54,986 Don't let him shoot me, Neil. 1010 01:07:55,071 --> 01:07:56,446 Come on, wave your goddamn hand! 1011 01:07:56,572 --> 01:07:59,199 But I don't want to love him, Neil. I don't want to go anywhere near him. 1012 01:07:59,283 --> 01:08:00,825 I don't wanna die. 1013 01:08:02,661 --> 01:08:04,245 Yeah. 1014 01:08:04,789 --> 01:08:09,709 Grant, I love you. Please, please, let's have sex now. 1015 01:08:09,794 --> 01:08:11,169 Oh, yeah. 1016 01:08:14,298 --> 01:08:15,381 Dennis, be free. 1017 01:08:15,466 --> 01:08:17,092 I'm free! I'm free! 1018 01:08:17,176 --> 01:08:18,259 Please. 1019 01:08:20,304 --> 01:08:21,596 - Grant become a corgi! - What? 1020 01:08:21,680 --> 01:08:22,972 Oh, shit. 1021 01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:24,224 Do it. Do it, Grant. 1022 01:08:25,309 --> 01:08:27,018 Do it, do it! 1023 01:08:27,561 --> 01:08:28,895 Me be free. 1024 01:08:29,688 --> 01:08:32,148 Yes, yes! Master. 1025 01:08:32,233 --> 01:08:34,150 - Yeah. - You chose to save me rather than that bitch. 1026 01:08:34,235 --> 01:08:37,695 Yeah, don't call her that. Catherine be her normal self and not in love with Grant. 1027 01:08:39,115 --> 01:08:40,156 Ugh! 1028 01:08:41,659 --> 01:08:43,743 And all Grant's wishes be cancelled. 1029 01:08:48,833 --> 01:08:49,874 - Ray! - Oh, shit. 1030 01:08:49,959 --> 01:08:51,668 Oh, no. Get off me! 1031 01:08:51,752 --> 01:08:52,794 Neil, stop them! 1032 01:08:52,878 --> 01:08:55,380 Lord, show us how to conquer death! 1033 01:08:55,464 --> 01:08:58,007 Dorothy Pringle, think about Ray the way that you used to. 1034 01:09:01,262 --> 01:09:04,639 - What the hell, Ray? - It was nothing to do with me. 1035 01:09:05,182 --> 01:09:07,392 Get lost, you creep! 1036 01:09:07,560 --> 01:09:10,228 - Thank you. - Everyone else, forget about Ray. 1037 01:09:12,857 --> 01:09:15,483 Thanks, Neil. Thanks a whole bunch. 1038 01:09:18,779 --> 01:09:20,321 Ray, could you take me home, please? 1039 01:09:20,406 --> 01:09:21,823 Sure. 1040 01:09:23,659 --> 01:09:25,869 I'm... I'm sorry... 1041 01:09:29,707 --> 01:09:31,499 Any thoughts? 1042 01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:36,421 - Pathetic! - He has no concept of good or evil. 1043 01:09:36,922 --> 01:09:39,174 Well, the dogs seem all right. 1044 01:09:39,675 --> 01:09:43,970 Yes, yes, the dogs are all right. It's the people I can't stand. 1045 01:10:06,994 --> 01:10:09,370 Oh, hey. Catherine, hi. 1046 01:10:09,455 --> 01:10:12,498 Hey, sorry about the other night. It was... Can I cook you supper? 1047 01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:15,001 - No, thanks, Neil. - I'm doing a whole suckling pig. 1048 01:10:15,085 --> 01:10:17,045 - No. - Hey, what's the matter? 1049 01:10:17,504 --> 01:10:19,422 Is it because I made you throw yourself at Grant? 1050 01:10:19,590 --> 01:10:23,760 No. Look, you did what you had to do. It worked. Forgotten. 1051 01:10:24,094 --> 01:10:25,929 Well, what is it, then? 1052 01:10:26,513 --> 01:10:28,765 Do you know what it feels like to be in someone else's power? 1053 01:10:28,891 --> 01:10:30,350 To have no will of your own? 1054 01:10:30,768 --> 01:10:34,520 Look, I thought that I made you love me. 1055 01:10:34,980 --> 01:10:37,440 - What? - You know, with my powers. 1056 01:10:39,193 --> 01:10:40,735 Oh, my God. 1057 01:10:42,154 --> 01:10:45,365 Did I really come home early tonight because I wanted to or did you make me? 1058 01:10:45,783 --> 01:10:48,284 Have I always lived opposite you or have you somehow rearranged things? 1059 01:10:50,204 --> 01:10:52,163 - I'm never going to know. - Look, I love you. 1060 01:10:52,248 --> 01:10:55,333 How could any woman love a man who could make her do whatever he wants, 1061 01:10:55,417 --> 01:10:57,835 any second, every day, forever? 1062 01:10:58,963 --> 01:11:02,382 Look, I'm sorry, Neil, I could never love you, not in a million years. 1063 01:11:02,466 --> 01:11:04,133 Oh! Catherine... 1064 01:11:10,808 --> 01:11:13,476 Sharon, Sharon, terrible news! 1065 01:11:13,894 --> 01:11:15,561 This is indeed grave news. 1066 01:11:15,646 --> 01:11:18,273 It appears that the Salubrious Gat has been 1067 01:11:18,357 --> 01:11:20,942 interfering with our translation devices. 1068 01:11:21,151 --> 01:11:22,568 What's he done, Sharon? 1069 01:11:22,820 --> 01:11:25,405 I'm afraid, Janet, that we have been calling ourselves 1070 01:11:25,489 --> 01:11:28,992 by foolish-sounding earthling names. 1071 01:11:30,077 --> 01:11:31,828 Female ones, at that. 1072 01:11:32,037 --> 01:11:38,793 It seems that Sharon is particularly favoured among female earthlings from Australia. 1073 01:11:38,877 --> 01:11:40,169 The shame of it. 1074 01:11:40,379 --> 01:11:44,173 Sharon... I mean, what should we be calling you? 1075 01:11:44,591 --> 01:11:48,553 Call me the Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer. 1076 01:11:48,637 --> 01:11:50,930 Yes, oh, Death-Dealer. 1077 01:11:51,140 --> 01:11:54,767 Great waffles, master. 1078 01:11:55,269 --> 01:11:56,769 Who cares about waffles? 1079 01:11:56,854 --> 01:12:01,566 Catherine hates me. Ray hates me. Everybody hates me. 1080 01:12:01,942 --> 01:12:04,152 I don't hate you and I care about waffles. 1081 01:12:04,486 --> 01:12:06,946 I think I like them even more than biscuits, even red biscuits. 1082 01:12:07,031 --> 01:12:09,657 You know what the worse thing is, Dennis? This is all my fault. 1083 01:12:10,951 --> 01:12:13,661 You know, I was just thinking about myself, what I could get. 1084 01:12:13,746 --> 01:12:16,914 - And yet with these powers, you know, 1085 01:12:16,999 --> 01:12:19,375 I could have solved every problem in the world. 1086 01:12:19,460 --> 01:12:22,920 - I could have made people happy. - You couldn't make Catherine happy. 1087 01:12:23,005 --> 01:12:27,050 Yeah, because I wanted her to love me. You know, I was being selfish. 1088 01:12:27,134 --> 01:12:30,178 I mean, take world hunger, you know? 1089 01:12:30,387 --> 01:12:32,889 Let everybody in the world have as much food as they want. 1090 01:12:36,352 --> 01:12:39,896 I mean, take homelessness. Let everybody in the world have somewhere to live. 1091 01:12:40,064 --> 01:12:42,231 No, no, no, live in their dream house. 1092 01:12:42,524 --> 01:12:46,569 And war, senseless war, over forever. 1093 01:12:46,653 --> 01:12:49,906 Let there be no reason for anyone to make war on anyone any more. 1094 01:12:50,032 --> 01:12:51,866 Yay! 1095 01:12:52,159 --> 01:12:54,160 Oh, and reverse global warming. 1096 01:12:54,995 --> 01:12:56,412 Has it happened? 1097 01:13:01,460 --> 01:13:04,587 The latest nation to succumb to the sudden mysterious 1098 01:13:04,671 --> 01:13:07,799 exponential growth in woeld food supplies is China, 1099 01:13:07,883 --> 01:13:11,052 where the average weight is now 300 pounds and rising. 1100 01:13:11,136 --> 01:13:14,514 Well, today a party of picnicking schoolchildren brought down 1101 01:13:14,598 --> 01:13:17,892 a mile-long section of the Great Wall of China. 1102 01:13:17,976 --> 01:13:20,395 As homelessness becomes a thing of the past, 1103 01:13:20,479 --> 01:13:23,231 the last undeveloped area of the Sahara Desert 1104 01:13:23,315 --> 01:13:26,692 has become a gated community known as Beau Geste Towers. 1105 01:13:26,777 --> 01:13:29,362 Property developers are now converging on Antarctica. 1106 01:13:29,446 --> 01:13:32,657 - Well, I mean, at least I got rid of war. - Whoa, that was a good one. 1107 01:13:33,367 --> 01:13:34,784 "Let there be no reason to make war... " 1108 01:13:34,868 --> 01:13:36,661 - "To make war on anyone any more. " - "... on anyone any more. " 1109 01:13:36,745 --> 01:13:38,621 How could that go wrong? 1110 01:13:38,705 --> 01:13:42,166 For no reason at all, New Zealand has declared war on Iceland. 1111 01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:43,459 Oh, wow. Oh, dear. 1112 01:13:43,627 --> 01:13:47,547 Barbados has declared war on Somalia. And in a surprise move, 1113 01:13:47,631 --> 01:13:52,510 the tiny island of St Kitts and Nevis has declared war on the entire rest of the world. 1114 01:13:52,594 --> 01:13:55,138 Our war correspondent says he is unavailable for comment 1115 01:13:55,222 --> 01:13:59,225 because he's too busy covering all the other wars which have just broken out 1116 01:13:59,309 --> 01:14:01,686 for no reason at all. 1117 01:14:01,770 --> 01:14:06,607 A short time ago, scientists were afraid of constantly rising global temperatures. 1118 01:14:06,692 --> 01:14:08,985 - But none of them have any explanation... - Oh, my God. 1119 01:14:09,069 --> 01:14:11,028 - ... for this sudden return... - Global warming. 1120 01:14:11,113 --> 01:14:17,660 ...not only to the last ice age but to a snowball Earth of half a billion years ago. 1121 01:14:18,370 --> 01:14:23,583 On the other hand, plans to turn the Antarctic into the Captain Scott gated community 1122 01:14:24,126 --> 01:14:25,585 - have been put on hold... - Shit! 1123 01:14:25,669 --> 01:14:29,422 - Shit, shit, shit! - Oh, it's not so easy trying to do good, is it? 1124 01:14:29,548 --> 01:14:31,549 Yeah, but this is just unfair. 1125 01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:34,886 Let everything go back to how it was before I started trying to make 1126 01:14:34,970 --> 01:14:36,554 everything better for everybody. 1127 01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:40,141 Beautiful though the Earth looks from space, 1128 01:14:40,225 --> 01:14:44,979 we all know how fragile it is, how much damage human beings have done to it 1129 01:14:45,063 --> 01:14:48,649 and will, it seems, continue to do to it. 1130 01:14:50,611 --> 01:14:54,071 Absolute power doesn't corrupt. It just drives you bloody mad. 1131 01:15:05,167 --> 01:15:08,336 - Tell Catherine I love her. - Don't do it, master. I love you! 1132 01:15:09,671 --> 01:15:11,672 I've made arrangements for your biscuits. 1133 01:15:12,174 --> 01:15:13,758 You'll never have to worry about them again. 1134 01:15:13,842 --> 01:15:15,510 You're the kindest master. 1135 01:15:15,594 --> 01:15:17,720 Just shush, OK? I can't concentrate. 1136 01:15:18,931 --> 01:15:22,934 - Master, don't you love me? - I can't stand it, Dennis. 1137 01:15:23,644 --> 01:15:25,686 I just... I can't stand the responsibility. 1138 01:15:25,771 --> 01:15:28,564 You need to get that into your stupid dog brain. 1139 01:15:28,732 --> 01:15:30,900 Neil! 1140 01:15:34,446 --> 01:15:36,322 I'll save you, master. Here I come! 1141 01:15:40,202 --> 01:15:44,330 Oh, wait a second. I can't swim. Master, help! Woof! 1142 01:15:44,414 --> 01:15:48,876 Help! Help! Oh, dear. Woof! Woof! 1143 01:15:51,255 --> 01:15:53,881 Oh, there you are. Thank you, master. 1144 01:15:54,216 --> 01:15:56,008 Bless you! 1145 01:15:56,760 --> 01:15:58,928 You do love me, master. 1146 01:15:59,096 --> 01:16:02,598 Of course I love you, Dennis. I just don't love myself. 1147 01:16:06,770 --> 01:16:10,147 Time's up! Prime the Destruction Generator. 1148 01:16:10,274 --> 01:16:11,482 - Hang on. - What? 1149 01:16:11,567 --> 01:16:13,693 We need to check if he's passed the test. 1150 01:16:13,777 --> 01:16:17,905 - Well, he did start all those wars. - That was good. 1151 01:16:17,990 --> 01:16:21,576 - But then he stopped them all. - But why? 1152 01:16:21,785 --> 01:16:25,913 He said he was trying to make things better for people. 1153 01:16:27,124 --> 01:16:29,709 That's very appalling. 1154 01:16:30,043 --> 01:16:34,422 The only good is to destroy. The only evil is weakness. 1155 01:16:34,506 --> 01:16:37,466 Weakness must be annihilated! 1156 01:16:38,218 --> 01:16:42,263 Agreed. Vaporise the earthling and his wretched planet. 1157 01:16:43,307 --> 01:16:44,724 I told you so. 1158 01:16:44,808 --> 01:16:47,768 Reprime the Destruction Generator. 1159 01:17:18,008 --> 01:17:19,967 Try her again, Neil. Go on. 1160 01:17:20,052 --> 01:17:24,513 - She... She won't have me. - Then, give up the powers. 1161 01:17:24,598 --> 01:17:27,391 - I can't. - Then, give them to me. 1162 01:17:27,476 --> 01:17:30,770 You wouldn't have the powers but you'd know where they were. 1163 01:17:31,313 --> 01:17:33,856 And being a dog, all I want to do is follow orders. 1164 01:17:33,940 --> 01:17:35,733 I'll do what you tell me to. 1165 01:17:36,777 --> 01:17:39,528 - Dennis, you're a genius. - Not bad? 1166 01:17:42,199 --> 01:17:47,036 Destruction Generator already charged, Death-Dealing Darkness-Bringer. 1167 01:17:49,956 --> 01:17:51,666 Commencing destruction. 1168 01:17:57,214 --> 01:18:00,383 It is a curse that our numerals take so long to pronounce. 1169 01:18:01,051 --> 01:18:03,844 Yeah, it's like, you just wave your hand, like that. 1170 01:18:03,929 --> 01:18:06,389 I feel it. Wow! 1171 01:18:06,556 --> 01:18:10,351 Yeah. There you go. So what's it going to be? Biscuits? 1172 01:18:11,311 --> 01:18:12,812 But the power made you miserable. 1173 01:18:12,896 --> 01:18:16,440 Yeah, but I don't have them any more, do I? Look, tree become Eiffel Tower. 1174 01:18:17,984 --> 01:18:19,193 See? 1175 01:18:21,822 --> 01:18:24,115 What are you thinking, Dennis? 1176 01:18:33,375 --> 01:18:34,542 Forgive me, master. 1177 01:18:34,626 --> 01:18:36,252 What? Wait, wait. What are you going to do? 1178 01:18:37,838 --> 01:18:40,423 That's the only short one. 1179 01:18:42,384 --> 01:18:47,638 If I have any power, let the source of that power be destroyed, forever! 1180 01:19:48,283 --> 01:19:51,076 All this marking be suddenly finished and neatly stacked up. 1181 01:19:54,122 --> 01:19:56,040 Fiona Blackwell, go away. 1182 01:20:02,464 --> 01:20:04,632 Oh, shh, shh. Shush, shush, shush. 1183 01:20:05,842 --> 01:20:08,010 Fiona! How lovely to see you. 1184 01:20:09,930 --> 01:20:12,598 Hey, great news. I got my sight back. 1185 01:20:14,142 --> 01:20:16,477 Hey, I think I hear Catherine. 1186 01:20:21,483 --> 01:20:22,733 - Catherine. - Hi. 1187 01:20:22,818 --> 01:20:26,779 Hey. Look. Letters become cucumbers. 1188 01:20:27,906 --> 01:20:29,949 Us be on the prow of the Titanic. 1189 01:20:30,826 --> 01:20:32,117 I got rid of the powers. 1190 01:20:33,578 --> 01:20:35,246 I'm impressed. 1191 01:20:36,540 --> 01:20:40,543 Yeah. So I thought maybe we could have some dinner sometime? 1192 01:20:42,420 --> 01:20:45,798 - Yeah, maybe, yeah. - OK. 1193 01:20:59,062 --> 01:21:02,523 - How about tonight? - I'll be down in half an hour. 1194 01:21:09,823 --> 01:21:12,741 We're going out to dinner. I'll bring you both back a doggy bag. 1195 01:21:13,201 --> 01:21:16,453 - I suppose I'd better keep my mouth shut. - Turn me back, Den. 1196 01:21:16,538 --> 01:21:19,623 I can't. I like you as you are. Those stubby legs. Look at you. 1197 01:21:19,708 --> 01:21:23,544 - I'm not a dog, I'm a man. - Hey, nobody's perfect. 1198 01:22:15,972 --> 01:22:18,265 This is chewing a biscuit, boss. I'll try and give you that right now, 1199 01:22:18,350 --> 01:22:19,558 hold one second. 1200 01:22:21,394 --> 01:22:23,354 Oh, red biscuit. Great. 1201 01:22:23,438 --> 01:22:25,856 No! No! 1202 01:22:29,444 --> 01:22:30,694 Oh, got it. 1203 01:22:30,779 --> 01:22:32,655 Licking. Licking somebody. 1204 01:22:34,324 --> 01:22:36,116 This is like porn. Now a shagging noise. 1205 01:22:39,704 --> 01:22:41,455 Oh, look. There's the red bit. 1206 01:22:43,166 --> 01:22:45,042 Oh, there, oh, right, oh... 1207 01:22:46,461 --> 01:22:47,503 I'm done. 1208 01:22:47,796 --> 01:22:49,630 OK, great. 1209 01:22:49,756 --> 01:22:52,007 That's enough chewing biscuits for fucking half an hour.